Bubble

Am I the only one feeling like they’re living in a bubble? Like in a parallel universe away from everyone else? Still in their universe, but almost watching it from the sideline?

I’ve had this feeling ever since I was a kid. But because I’ve always been told I’m too sensitive, that I’m being ridiculous and “shouldn’t think that way” and I need to toughen up I sort of pushed all these feelings aside. Trying to hide away the real me. The curious, imaginative, quirky me. I’m only now beginning to explore it again. It’s all coming back.

I make up these fantasy stories, watching people from my window and wondering what it’s like to be a normal person. I rarely feel normal. Whatever that is? I’ve always thought that this is because I’m often alone. But I find myself feeling out of tune whenever I’m around people as well. Almost like an out of body experience.

I need to soul search pretty much every waken minute of my day, and having to put that on hold while being out and about creates a chaos inside of me. Whenever I’m out in public I’m being drawn back to seclusion as I’m strapped with a rubber band. I need to get away from it all.

Sometimes, I observe a conversation and find it so meaningless. Well.. meaningless is such a degrading word for those having the conversation. Maybe.. hollow? Superficial? Or pointless? Still sounds degrading, I don’t mean it to sound like that. I’m just having a hard time engaging in conversations or happenings that I don’t find meaningful. I must be a pain in the ass being around…

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Just recently I actually was shut up because my topic of conversation wasn’t cheerful enough. It was… I guess an inappropriate subject to talk about (it was death btw) and that really got me thinking that I might not be suited for this society. Maybe I’m living too much in my own little world that I start to lose the ability to function like normal people do?

I mean… Do people really go through life without thinking of the *meaning* of life? Without analyzing every single thing? Without overthinking everything? Without spending their days questioning whether or not they have done something to grow as a person?

Do people go through life only existing in the moment? Because I sure as hell never do that! I always contemplate about the meaning of life. I always wonder why I am put on this earth and what my purpose here is. Every day I think about this! Every day I seek answers to my questions. There has to be something more meaningful to life than making money, like this society is so keen on. Money, money, money. There has to be something more important than watching people getting drunk, screwing around in a hotel on TV. It seems a big part of the society finds this important. I’m not hating on society or anything. Just saying that I feel like an outsider… like I don’t belong here. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.

I guess I’ll keep living inside my bubble of feelings, reflections and thoughts about death and how to find a greater purpose in life other than making money. Does anyone wanna join me? It gets quite lonely sometimes…

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You’re never fully dressed without a smile

 

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If you were told you deserve nothing, would you smile? If you were told you take up too much space, would you smile? If you were told you only waste people’s time, would you smile? If you settled for something that’s hurting you because that’s all you think you’re worthy of, would you be smiling? I doubt it…

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve been told to smile more. I might have a resting bitch face from the get go, but if you were inside my head you probably wouldn’t smile either. Unfortunately I bring my thoughts with me wherever I go. This means I only smile when they allow me to. When they allow me to rest. Whether it’d be at work, school, with friends or a date. I can’t fake a smile, I just can’t! No matter how hard I try I am transparent, what you see is what you get.

I tried my best to smile a few times when my depression were at its all time low. Because I thought people were tired of seeing me walking around with my dead face. It turned out to be a pitiful, sad attempt of a smile. I was told my lips smiled but my eyes weren’t. So that’s that… I can’t seem to fake anything. ・
So.. before you tell me to “put a smile on that face” you spend an hour inside my head and then you try it!! Being at constant war with yourself makes it quite difficult. I’m not always allowed to smile, you see.

Dear Anna,

 

IMG_0050.jpgI watch you as you run around on the back yard of the house you grew up in. Chasing that football like there’s no tomorrow. Naive, joyful you go through life. Believing everyone wants you nothing but kindness.

Out of breath you run up to the porch where grandma is serving lemonade. Granny… Your best friend growing up. Pure kindness. Not one ounce of wickedness existed in that adorable, little old woman. May she rest in peace.

Life is playing a trick on you by handing you that calm, beautiful, serene childhood. It will all come crashing down.

Little do you know lightning and thunder will try to destroy your spark. Little do you know life will have you on your knees begging for it to end. Life is about to put you to the test. You will get betrayed by those you trust. You will desperately try to understand what’s happening. In fear you will search for answers.

You will make mistakes. You will screw things up. You will make a fool out of yourself. You will wonder why life puts you through this.

You will be called too sensitive too many times. So many times that you eventually will see it as a weakness. As a flaw. You will bury that part of you so deep even you forgot it existed.

But eventually you will take that awareness, that fragility, and turn it into something beautiful. You will turn that into you. You will handle it. You will get through it. You will figure out life as it goes. Why? Because you are strong.

It’s okay honey, I got your back. No go out there and kick that ball until your legs hurt.

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Shit

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10:03 AM. Today is shit. I feel like shit. I look like shit. Shit shit shit. I tried to practice photography, turned out like shit. I tried edit the photos, looked like shit. I can feel the bad, destructive thoughts in the back of my head and I try to keep myself as busy as possible to shut them up. But they are getting too loud. They are echoing louder and louder… At least it’s raining out so I wont have the sun laughing in my face. Telling me how wonderful life is.

I can’t find my god damn socks and it’s driving me insane!!

There’s a famous hockey player who works out at my gym. As I was watching him today I thought about all thing he has accomplished and all things he has done in his life (we’re the same age). And what have I done?? Absolutely nothing!!! I know I’m not supposed to be thinking like this. I know comparison is the thief of joy. But I’m weak. I cave under the pressure of these thoughts.

What I know and what I feel are two different things. And today I feel shit.

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8:07 PM. Okay so that was the first part of my day. The second part turned out to be so great!! Firstly I had a very rewarding conversation with my new insta buddy Tara. She really helps reorganize my destructive thoughts. Secondly I had the most fun, exciting afternoon with my bestie 💕💕  We rode the bus and for me that was the first time in like 5 years 😂  Then we had a little road trip and we were laughing so hard we ended up crying!

So I just want you to know that even the shittiest day can turn out to be one of the greatest. I will remember this day for a long time 💕

A lukewarm mess

Chasing validation is exhausting. I don’t know why I have this urge, this need, to get peoples approval. I want everyone to like everything I do. And let me tell you it’s fucking draining me! Having people not liking me (or the things I do/create/make/say) is my absolute biggest fear.

I’ve noticed that when I create my art I give 110% of myself. It’s like all my focus and energy is being channeled to that one piece. Whether it’d be a doodle, a full painting or something I am writing I go all in! It’s like my soul goes into it.

And when I’m done, when I’ve posted it or whatever it feels the world ends. I have absolutely nothing left to give. I am left with nothing but a void.

I don’t know…  I feel extremely sensitive at the moment and maybe I need to take a break from creating for a while? Or social media… Everything feels like it’s wearing me down. I know I post a lot on Instagram and I could easily take a few days off. Some days I feel obligated to post, but at the same time I have a lot on my mind… And I want to get it out there. Ugh, this is really hard. And then there is the constant pressure of getting likes, being seen, chasing followers. Everything is just stressful!!

It doesn’t help that my Instagram account is all over the place. Started off as some sort of journaling thingie, bullet journal, doodling, diary, daily thoughts, poetry, lettering, writing, anxiety, depression, general mental health awareness. See!? Who the hell can keep up with that? Who even wants to keep up.

I want to draw/write about all these things but it seems the Instagram accounts nowadays have to have a certain theme. You know, aesthetics. At least here I can categorize things. Might be good for my mind as well. Categorizing my thoughts… Maybe I need to get a life? Maybe that’s the problem.Enlight3.jpgThis is how my mind works. All day, everyday pretty much. I’m a mess. Not even a hot mess. Just a mediocre, lukewarm mess. Swirling thoughts going in, going out. Making me passionate about everything only the next minute leaving me feeling completely numb, dead. It’s very confusing. And messy…Morkare_block_

iPad Art challenge 1 – Your Word

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There is a bunch of challenges out there. Everything from improving your mental health to learn how to do lettering. But so far I haven’t come across any iPad Art challenge. So why not give it a try?

I get tons of questions on how to draw this and how to draw that. And while I’m all for copying other artists work for the purpose of learning, I think it’s important to develop your own style. So instead of me telling you how to make certain artworks or compositions my way I thought I’d give you some challenges. That way you’ll cultivate your own personal style and hopefully get a little push in different directions.

This works really well if you have an iPad Pro, an Apple Pencil and the Procreate App. But it works just as well with Photoshop (or any artsy program) and a Wacom Tablet if that’s what you prefer.

So. My first challenge will be for you to:

  1. Go to http://www.dafont.com (or any other site where you can find different fonts) and find a font you like. Remember this shouldn’t be similar to your own handwriting! 
  2. Write a word of your choice in which color you want.
  3. Add shadows and highlights to your word.
  4. Share it with me! If you decide to participate in this challenge and want to share it on Instagram please use the hashtag #annasletteringchallenge so I can see your beautiful art.

That’s it! We’ll keep it pretty simple this first one. Drawing out a word is a great exercise to learn about different shapes. It might be a bit challenging with the shadows and highlights but I know you can do it!

This is just as big of a challenge for me so I’ll add my contribution as well, just to give you an idea.

 

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Font: Alba by  Fontalicious

 

Now go make your own version! Try not to get biased by looking at my word. Trial and error is your friend! Good luck!

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My thoughts on the new iPad Pro 12.9″

As some of you who follow me on Instagram know I am a total tech nerd. I’ve been using the iPad Pro 9.7″ for my art this past year and it has been working great! I have never drawn this much in my life! But my inner nerd was calling out for the bigger 12.9″ size and I knew the peeps at Apple were going to release new ones this summer so I waited. And waited…

Finally a couple of weeks ago they released a new version of the 12.9″ and also a 10.5″ iPad Pro. I decided to go with the 12.9″ since I was going for size this time!

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When I first got it I was kinda taken back by it’s size. Thinking of it as an iPad was amusing since it was so big. But once I started thinking of it as an A4 sized sketchbook I could finally see past the comical size. And all of a sudden I was like “whoa! This is so great!” If you think of it as a drawing tablet instead of an iPad it makes it less ridiculous.

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iPad Pro 12.9″ vs A4 notebook

Split screen

I have never been a fan of the split screen mode. Or maybe it’s called multitasking? I like to sit near my computer when I’m doing my drawings because I need to look up references for some of my drawings. But no more!! The size of this screen makes it possible for me to use the spilt screen without it interfering with my drawing process. This is very helpful! Which also reminds me to tell you that I can finally sit wherever I want to draw! I love that I can take my iPad anywhere (and by anywhere I mean my couch) and still have somewhere to rest my hand/arm. The smaller iPad made it difficult to draw with it on my lap because I had to hold it up with one hand while drawing with the other. This may sound like insignificant topics but I know I’d like to know these things before I made my purchase.

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Split screen

Writing

I find myself doing a lot of things on my 12.9″ iPad that I was doing on my computer since the 9.7″ was too small. Writing for example. The keyboard on the iPad 12.9″ is full sized which makes it easier to write on. It also has a few more options than the smaller one which is kinda nice. However I miss the physical keys on the keyboard at my computer. But that’s just a personal preference!

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Specs that I don’t understand

I didn’t think the Apple Pencil could be any more responsive but I was wrong! Apple introduced something called ProMotion which improves the pencil responsiveness. What do you know!? I’m nowhere near an expert on the spec stuff and frankly I don’t care. I just want everything to be super quick and super smooth. And they are! So I’m happy!

One of the reasons I didn’t get the “old” 12.9″ was because it didn’t have the true tone display which I love! I stare at my screens most of my waken hours and I think it’s really important not to strain your eyes. True tone display makes it so that the color on the screen adjusts to the surroundings you’re in. This makes it easier on your eyes. So far I haven’t found this to be an issue while creating my art.

I can tell you that my 9.7″ iPad has been lying on a shelf collecting dust since I got the 12.9″. The only reason I touched it was when I had to shoot the size comparison photos for this blog post, and then I thought it had turned into an iPad mini! So smooool.

When I first started drawing on the 12.9″ I thought the screen texture had change. Turned out it just wasn’t as greasy as my old one! Once I’ve messed around with it for a day my hand grease had made it just as smooth and non sticky as my old one. I still haven’t tried out a screen cover but if/when I do it’s going to be a matte one.

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iPad Pro 12.9″ vs iPad Pro 9.7″

This review has just been focusing on my overall thoughts and experience so far with the iPad Pro 12.9″, let me know if there is anything else you’d like me to write about!

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Thank you for reading!

 

I’m back!

Well hello there!

It turns out I miss my blog and I thought I’d pick it up again. I miss the flexibility of being able to add different photos and mixing things up a little. I have such a hard time keeping the consistency with posting on social media (except for my Instagram). I really want to make my YouTube channel work, but I absolutely hate filming my creative process. It gives me an art block like you can’t imagine, so until I find a way to get over that I thought I’d give my blog another try. This is supposed to be fun right? Not filled with anguish and stress.

I will probably be posting similar content as on my Instagram account. It’s just that here I can customize things. Well, I don’t have to tell you this, you know how a blog works! It’s 2017 for crying out loud! 😂

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Some of you might have noticed that I upgraded my iPad to the new iPad Pro and also the bigger size (12.9″). The idea was to make a video of me reviewing it but I keep procrastinating it because like I said, I hate the filming part. Sooo… I thought I’d make a blog post about it instead. Stayed tuned for this amaaazing upcoming review 😉

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Instagram is getting my best

Hello friends! I know I have a few followers here on WordPress. I just wanted you to know that I post way more on my Instagram than I do here. I just find it easier and more accessible to post my thoughts there. If you don’t already follow me on Instagram you can click on one of my pics at the ”Stuff from Instagram” and you will be taken right to my account! Isn’t that neat!?Untitled_Artwork 17