I’ve always been able to make people laugh. I have this kind of sarcastic way of speaking that probably make people not knowing wether I’m joking or not. I wonder if this is some kind of wall I put up so the people around me won’t see how broken I’ve been on the inside? It’s kind of nice to hide behind it. But the downside is that you completely fall apart when no one is watching.
Since I was told by my therapist that i was depressed I kind of have broken down my own wall a bit and shown the people around me that I actually have been feeling unhappy for a long time. A few of them of course already knew, because I’d told them. Some of my co-workers was so surprised by this and said ”you could never tell because you’re so happy when you’re at work with us”. I remember I told a friend at work one day ”I can’t do this anymore, I can’t resist this depression”. I felt so tired of putting up this wall and right then and there I decided that I would be completely honest from now on if anyone asked me how I felt. I felt such a relief when I made that decision.
I definitely feel sort of schizophrenic at times. On one hand I am this super confident girl who, on the outside, has all her shit together. A girl who pushes everybody to believe they can do or become anything they want. That tell people they are worth only the best in life and that they should only do things that make them happy.
But then, when it comes to myself, I kind of don’t care. It is difficult to practice what you preach and it becomes sort of hypocritical. Being kind to yourself is a million times harder than being kind to others. Why am I not as important? Why do I not deserve all things I am telling others they do? I don’t know… I am super sensitive to criticism and I am definitely one of those who if I get 99 praises and one negative comment I’m going to dwell on that negative comment for the rest of my life.
This is something my therapist told me I have to work on. Being nice to myself and allowing the little girl inside who is sad to actually be sad. It’s okay to have all these different emotions. Before I have unconsciously smothered the little girl inside me and told her to shape up! Stop being such a wuss! What I should do is take the little girls hand and say ”it’s okay, we’re in this together. We can get through this”.
I find this so very hard to do. I mean the big girl inside me gets it! I understand that it does not make me feel better to put myself down. But it’s difficult… I guess that has something to do with the self destructive mind I have.
To sum this blather up (don’t even know where I’m going with this), you could say I am two personalities in one body. One of them is the little depressed girl that keep feeling like she isn’t worth a goddamn thing. And then there is the big girl who understands exactly what to do. The smart and funny one. I think I need to let her take care of the little one…
As for now they sort of work in opposite directions.