My parents raised me to be as independent as possible. They had good intentions with this of course, but somehow I managed to twist this around and felt that I had to do everything alone. Go through life all alone and manage everything by myself. The result is, as expected, that I feel very empty and deserted.
Everyone around me knows that I manage life by myself. I’m this independent, strong girl (woman now, I guess) who never needs a hug, who never needs a sincere “how are you really feeling?”. I joke around with everyone and everything, being sarcastic and saucy.
It’s all fun and games until you get depressed. Of course no one would’ve guessed that I’m breaking on the inside. They can’t read my mind! And as the independent human being I am I don’t tell them how I feel either.
In reality I felt like a five year old standing with my teddy bear hanging by my side, crying, hoping someone would notice me. Give me a hug and just take care of me. I can’t
do this by myself self any longer! Somebody has to help me! But nobody noticed… Well maybe they noticed but didn’t act on it. Perhaps they did not want to interfere, I don’t know… I don’t know if things would be any different had I been someone else, I can only speak from my own experience.
Eventually I had two paths to take. End my own life or do one last effort to help myself. So I contacted the local health centre and the rest is kind of history. Now I sort of know what’s “wrong” with me, and I am going to work on my distorted thoughts of independence. I guess I have to come to realise that it’s okay to be dependent on other people and I don’t have to do everything on my own.
As usual I don’t know where I’m going with this other than I wanted to blurt out my thoughts and feelings. Take care everyone.