A lukewarm mess

Chasing validation is exhausting. I don’t know why I have this urge, this need, to get peoples approval. I want everyone to like everything I do. And let me tell you it’s fucking draining me! Having people not liking me (or the things I do/create/make/say) is my absolute biggest fear.

I’ve noticed that when I create my art I give 110% of myself. It’s like all my focus and energy is being channeled to that one piece. Whether it’d be a doodle, a full painting or something I am writing I go all in! It’s like my soul goes into it.

And when I’m done, when I’ve posted it or whatever it feels the world ends. I have absolutely nothing left to give. I am left with nothing but a void.

I don’t know…  I feel extremely sensitive at the moment and maybe I need to take a break from creating for a while? Or social media… Everything feels like it’s wearing me down. I know I post a lot on Instagram and I could easily take a few days off. Some days I feel obligated to post, but at the same time I have a lot on my mind… And I want to get it out there. Ugh, this is really hard. And then there is the constant pressure of getting likes, being seen, chasing followers. Everything is just stressful!!

It doesn’t help that my Instagram account is all over the place. Started off as some sort of journaling thingie, bullet journal, doodling, diary, daily thoughts, poetry, lettering, writing, anxiety, depression, general mental health awareness. See!? Who the hell can keep up with that? Who even wants to keep up.

I want to draw/write about all these things but it seems the Instagram accounts nowadays have to have a certain theme. You know, aesthetics. At least here I can categorize things. Might be good for my mind as well. Categorizing my thoughts… Maybe I need to get a life? Maybe that’s the problem.Enlight3.jpgThis is how my mind works. All day, everyday pretty much. I’m a mess. Not even a hot mess. Just a mediocre, lukewarm mess. Swirling thoughts going in, going out. Making me passionate about everything only the next minute leaving me feeling completely numb, dead. It’s very confusing. And messy…Morkare_block_

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