Bubble

Am I the only one feeling like they’re living in a bubble? Like in a parallel universe away from everyone else? Still in their universe, but almost watching it from the sideline?

I’ve had this feeling ever since I was a kid. But because I’ve always been told I’m too sensitive, that I’m being ridiculous and “shouldn’t think that way” and I need to toughen up I sort of pushed all these feelings aside. Trying to hide away the real me. The curious, imaginative, quirky me. I’m only now beginning to explore it again. It’s all coming back.

I make up these fantasy stories, watching people from my window and wondering what it’s like to be a normal person. I rarely feel normal. Whatever that is? I’ve always thought that this is because I’m often alone. But I find myself feeling out of tune whenever I’m around people as well. Almost like an out of body experience.

I need to soul search pretty much every waken minute of my day, and having to put that on hold while being out and about creates a chaos inside of me. Whenever I’m out in public I’m being drawn back to seclusion as I’m strapped with a rubber band. I need to get away from it all.

Sometimes, I observe a conversation and find it so meaningless. Well.. meaningless is such a degrading word for those having the conversation. Maybe.. hollow? Superficial? Or pointless? Still sounds degrading, I don’t mean it to sound like that. I’m just having a hard time engaging in conversations or happenings that I don’t find meaningful. I must be a pain in the ass being around…

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Just recently I actually was shut up because my topic of conversation wasn’t cheerful enough. It was… I guess an inappropriate subject to talk about (it was death btw) and that really got me thinking that I might not be suited for this society. Maybe I’m living too much in my own little world that I start to lose the ability to function like normal people do?

I mean… Do people really go through life without thinking of the *meaning* of life? Without analyzing every single thing? Without overthinking everything? Without spending their days questioning whether or not they have done something to grow as a person?

Do people go through life only existing in the moment? Because I sure as hell never do that! I always contemplate about the meaning of life. I always wonder why I am put on this earth and what my purpose here is. Every day I think about this! Every day I seek answers to my questions. There has to be something more meaningful to life than making money, like this society is so keen on. Money, money, money. There has to be something more important than watching people getting drunk, screwing around in a hotel on TV. It seems a big part of the society finds this important. I’m not hating on society or anything. Just saying that I feel like an outsider… like I don’t belong here. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.

I guess I’ll keep living inside my bubble of feelings, reflections and thoughts about death and how to find a greater purpose in life other than making money. Does anyone wanna join me? It gets quite lonely sometimes…

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You’re never fully dressed without a smile

 

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If you were told you deserve nothing, would you smile? If you were told you take up too much space, would you smile? If you were told you only waste people’s time, would you smile? If you settled for something that’s hurting you because that’s all you think you’re worthy of, would you be smiling? I doubt it…

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve been told to smile more. I might have a resting bitch face from the get go, but if you were inside my head you probably wouldn’t smile either. Unfortunately I bring my thoughts with me wherever I go. This means I only smile when they allow me to. When they allow me to rest. Whether it’d be at work, school, with friends or a date. I can’t fake a smile, I just can’t! No matter how hard I try I am transparent, what you see is what you get.

I tried my best to smile a few times when my depression were at its all time low. Because I thought people were tired of seeing me walking around with my dead face. It turned out to be a pitiful, sad attempt of a smile. I was told my lips smiled but my eyes weren’t. So that’s that… I can’t seem to fake anything. ・
So.. before you tell me to “put a smile on that face” you spend an hour inside my head and then you try it!! Being at constant war with yourself makes it quite difficult. I’m not always allowed to smile, you see.

Dear Anna,

 

IMG_0050.jpgI watch you as you run around on the back yard of the house you grew up in. Chasing that football like there’s no tomorrow. Naive, joyful you go through life. Believing everyone wants you nothing but kindness.

Out of breath you run up to the porch where grandma is serving lemonade. Granny… Your best friend growing up. Pure kindness. Not one ounce of wickedness existed in that adorable, little old woman. May she rest in peace.

Life is playing a trick on you by handing you that calm, beautiful, serene childhood. It will all come crashing down.

Little do you know lightning and thunder will try to destroy your spark. Little do you know life will have you on your knees begging for it to end. Life is about to put you to the test. You will get betrayed by those you trust. You will desperately try to understand what’s happening. In fear you will search for answers.

You will make mistakes. You will screw things up. You will make a fool out of yourself. You will wonder why life puts you through this.

You will be called too sensitive too many times. So many times that you eventually will see it as a weakness. As a flaw. You will bury that part of you so deep even you forgot it existed.

But eventually you will take that awareness, that fragility, and turn it into something beautiful. You will turn that into you. You will handle it. You will get through it. You will figure out life as it goes. Why? Because you are strong.

It’s okay honey, I got your back. No go out there and kick that ball until your legs hurt.

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Shit

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10:03 AM. Today is shit. I feel like shit. I look like shit. Shit shit shit. I tried to practice photography, turned out like shit. I tried edit the photos, looked like shit. I can feel the bad, destructive thoughts in the back of my head and I try to keep myself as busy as possible to shut them up. But they are getting too loud. They are echoing louder and louder… At least it’s raining out so I wont have the sun laughing in my face. Telling me how wonderful life is.

I can’t find my god damn socks and it’s driving me insane!!

There’s a famous hockey player who works out at my gym. As I was watching him today I thought about all thing he has accomplished and all things he has done in his life (we’re the same age). And what have I done?? Absolutely nothing!!! I know I’m not supposed to be thinking like this. I know comparison is the thief of joy. But I’m weak. I cave under the pressure of these thoughts.

What I know and what I feel are two different things. And today I feel shit.

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8:07 PM. Okay so that was the first part of my day. The second part turned out to be so great!! Firstly I had a very rewarding conversation with my new insta buddy Tara. She really helps reorganize my destructive thoughts. Secondly I had the most fun, exciting afternoon with my bestie 💕💕  We rode the bus and for me that was the first time in like 5 years 😂  Then we had a little road trip and we were laughing so hard we ended up crying!

So I just want you to know that even the shittiest day can turn out to be one of the greatest. I will remember this day for a long time 💕

A lukewarm mess

Chasing validation is exhausting. I don’t know why I have this urge, this need, to get peoples approval. I want everyone to like everything I do. And let me tell you it’s fucking draining me! Having people not liking me (or the things I do/create/make/say) is my absolute biggest fear.

I’ve noticed that when I create my art I give 110% of myself. It’s like all my focus and energy is being channeled to that one piece. Whether it’d be a doodle, a full painting or something I am writing I go all in! It’s like my soul goes into it.

And when I’m done, when I’ve posted it or whatever it feels the world ends. I have absolutely nothing left to give. I am left with nothing but a void.

I don’t know…  I feel extremely sensitive at the moment and maybe I need to take a break from creating for a while? Or social media… Everything feels like it’s wearing me down. I know I post a lot on Instagram and I could easily take a few days off. Some days I feel obligated to post, but at the same time I have a lot on my mind… And I want to get it out there. Ugh, this is really hard. And then there is the constant pressure of getting likes, being seen, chasing followers. Everything is just stressful!!

It doesn’t help that my Instagram account is all over the place. Started off as some sort of journaling thingie, bullet journal, doodling, diary, daily thoughts, poetry, lettering, writing, anxiety, depression, general mental health awareness. See!? Who the hell can keep up with that? Who even wants to keep up.

I want to draw/write about all these things but it seems the Instagram accounts nowadays have to have a certain theme. You know, aesthetics. At least here I can categorize things. Might be good for my mind as well. Categorizing my thoughts… Maybe I need to get a life? Maybe that’s the problem.Enlight3.jpgThis is how my mind works. All day, everyday pretty much. I’m a mess. Not even a hot mess. Just a mediocre, lukewarm mess. Swirling thoughts going in, going out. Making me passionate about everything only the next minute leaving me feeling completely numb, dead. It’s very confusing. And messy…Morkare_block_

A break from my inner demons

I’ve had four weeks off both work and school, the last week I spend in Mallorca. And I have to say.. That week made wonders for my mind. I got a break from my anxiety and my inner thoughts. Maybe it was the change of scenery or the fact that I wasn’t alone all the time. It doesn’t matter, all that matters is that I finally got a break from my inner demons, from the past that’s, otherwise, haunting me every waking minute.

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Look at that serenity

I am prepared for the anxiety to return now when I’m back home, but at least I got a glimpse of what could be. I actually can have peace of mind. It gave me a little hope for the future. Which I have not had for the last six months!

On another note: I’ve done some updates in the download department. I added a September layout (a few days late, I know) and also a ”coloring pages-section” where I’m going to upload pages for you guys to download and color in! Occasionally I doodle my brains out and maybe someone would like to color that mess in.

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You break me down

Why do you do this to me? Why do you tell me I am beautiful, kind, a good friend, a role model, a wonderful human being? Only the next minute you turn around and tell me I am worthless, ugly and useless. You tell me that I don’t deserve happiness and I need to be punished. My mind gets fucked up! I don’t know what to believe. You manipulate me in ways I never thought possible.

You’re like a prison guard holding me locked up until I find the courage to do what’s necessary to get out and leave you behind. As for now I’m evidently to weak. You’ve been a part of my life for so long now, I don’t know how to live without you. Some days you’re quite nice to me and let me unwind for a bit. I like those days, they make me think life is pretty good.

Then you get upset over something and take it out on me. Why do you do that? Just when I manage to catch my breath and start to gather all my pieces together you knock me down all over again. And I’m scattered.

You scare me when you act like this. I’m afraid for my own safety, but I guess it’s better you take your frustration out on me than anyone else. It’s like you are feeding on my misery. The more I suffer the more power you get over me. You break me down, taunt me, then you walk away…

… but don’t leave me, you’re all I’ve got!

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Independence makes you feel lonely

My parents raised me to be as independent as possible. They had good intentions with this of course, but somehow I managed to twist this around and felt that I had to do everything alone. Go through life all alone and manage everything by myself. The result is, as expected, that I feel very empty and deserted.

Everyone around me knows that I manage life by myself. I’m this independent, strong girl (woman now, I guess) who never needs a hug, who never needs a sincere “how are you really feeling?”. I joke around with everyone and everything, being sarcastic and saucy.

It’s all fun and games until you get depressed. Of course no one would’ve guessed that I’m breaking on the inside. They can’t read my mind! And as the independent human being I am I don’t tell them how I feel either.

Untitled_Artwork 16In reality I felt like a five year old standing with my teddy bear hanging by my side, crying, hoping someone would notice me. Give me a hug and just take care of me. I can’t
do this by myself self any longer! Somebody has to help me! But nobody noticed… Well maybe they noticed but didn’t act on it. Perhaps they did not want to interfere, I don’t know… I don’t know if things would be any different had I been someone else, I can only speak from my own experience.

Eventually I had two paths to take. End my own life or do one last effort to help myself. So I contacted the local health centre and the rest is kind of history. Now I sort of know what’s “wrong” with me, and I am going to work on my distorted thoughts of independence. I guess I have to come to realise that it’s okay to be dependent on other people and I don’t have to do everything on my own.

As usual I don’t know where I’m going with this other than I wanted to blurt out my thoughts and feelings. Take care everyone.

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