A break from my inner demons

I’ve had four weeks off both work and school, the last week I spend in Mallorca. And I have to say.. That week made wonders for my mind. I got a break from my anxiety and my inner thoughts. Maybe it was the change of scenery or the fact that I wasn’t alone all the time. It doesn’t matter, all that matters is that I finally got a break from my inner demons, from the past that’s, otherwise, haunting me every waking minute.

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Look at that serenity

I am prepared for the anxiety to return now when I’m back home, but at least I got a glimpse of what could be. I actually can have peace of mind. It gave me a little hope for the future. Which I have not had for the last six months!

On another note: I’ve done some updates in the download department. I added a September layout (a few days late, I know) and also a ”coloring pages-section” where I’m going to upload pages for you guys to download and color in! Occasionally I doodle my brains out and maybe someone would like to color that mess in.

Take care! Untitled_Artwork 17

You break me down

Why do you do this to me? Why do you tell me I am beautiful, kind, a good friend, a role model, a wonderful human being? Only the next minute you turn around and tell me I am worthless, ugly and useless. You tell me that I don’t deserve happiness and I need to be punished. My mind gets fucked up! I don’t know what to believe. You manipulate me in ways I never thought possible.

You’re like a prison guard holding me locked up until I find the courage to do what’s necessary to get out and leave you behind. As for now I’m evidently to weak. You’ve been a part of my life for so long now, I don’t know how to live without you. Some days you’re quite nice to me and let me unwind for a bit. I like those days, they make me think life is pretty good.

Then you get upset over something and take it out on me. Why do you do that? Just when I manage to catch my breath and start to gather all my pieces together you knock me down all over again. And I’m scattered.

You scare me when you act like this. I’m afraid for my own safety, but I guess it’s better you take your frustration out on me than anyone else. It’s like you are feeding on my misery. The more I suffer the more power you get over me. You break me down, taunt me, then you walk away…

… but don’t leave me, you’re all I’ve got!

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Independence makes you feel lonely

My parents raised me to be as independent as possible. They had good intentions with this of course, but somehow I managed to twist this around and felt that I had to do everything alone. Go through life all alone and manage everything by myself. The result is, as expected, that I feel very empty and deserted.

Everyone around me knows that I manage life by myself. I’m this independent, strong girl (woman now, I guess) who never needs a hug, who never needs a sincere “how are you really feeling?”. I joke around with everyone and everything, being sarcastic and saucy.

It’s all fun and games until you get depressed. Of course no one would’ve guessed that I’m breaking on the inside. They can’t read my mind! And as the independent human being I am I don’t tell them how I feel either.

Untitled_Artwork 16In reality I felt like a five year old standing with my teddy bear hanging by my side, crying, hoping someone would notice me. Give me a hug and just take care of me. I can’t
do this by myself self any longer! Somebody has to help me! But nobody noticed… Well maybe they noticed but didn’t act on it. Perhaps they did not want to interfere, I don’t know… I don’t know if things would be any different had I been someone else, I can only speak from my own experience.

Eventually I had two paths to take. End my own life or do one last effort to help myself. So I contacted the local health centre and the rest is kind of history. Now I sort of know what’s “wrong” with me, and I am going to work on my distorted thoughts of independence. I guess I have to come to realise that it’s okay to be dependent on other people and I don’t have to do everything on my own.

As usual I don’t know where I’m going with this other than I wanted to blurt out my thoughts and feelings. Take care everyone.

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Selfies… Yuk!

However…. I thought that since I’m supposed to be honest about everything it wouldn’t be fair not to show the face behind the words. So here I am… But don’t get use to selfies, that’s not my thing!

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A short while after my accident, two years ago, I was pretty self-conscious about my scar. But now I kind of embrace it and think that it’s a part of me, of my history. It’s a constant reminder of the way I lived my life and the fact that I could have hurt my self a lot worse than this.

Yeah well… that’s me.